Be Encouraged!

Last night I decided to do the spring cleaning which is long overdue...especially when we consider the fact that it isn't spring anymore. I was going through old papers and files that I had made for myself. I found my personal statements for law school as well as undergrad as well as scholarship essays. I realized that even though they annoy me at times...I am blessed to have my family. Keeping this in mind has gotten me through some rough times.

I know people who don't have close relationships with either of their parents and they only contact them when they need something, which I can't imagine. My mom is honestly my closest friend. Granted she doesn't know every detail of my life (eg. drinking, boys-gritty details) because I do have respect for her and she is still my mother. Telling her some things would traumatize her. But I think back to all of the times I would sit with her and tell her my dreams for the future. Talks of becoming a lawyer began as young as 9 and she would tell me that she would support me and pray that my dreams would come true. My mom did everything she could to make me feel better about myself...from getting a nutritionist for me in high school to paying for appointments with my dermatologist every other week when money could have gone to other things (acne ridden skin was my biggest fear, thankfully I didn't have it as bad as most because my parents indulged my paranoia). All she ever wanted was for me to be happy. In one of my scholarship essays I wrote about how my mom even supported my writing...as horrible as it was at 10 or 11. I was a HUGE fan of Anne M. Martin, the writer of the Babysitter's Club for those of you who live under a rock. I loved her writing style and cool story lines...I honestly wanted to live in her books. Being the naive person that I was I honestly thought I could write something, send it to her and she would consider publishing it. I slaved away at this now obsolete desktop where I used to play Oregon Trail and wrote a 30 something page story about a girl who goes to Disney World with her family, meets a cute guy and has the time of her life. She realizes that she is pretty and talented despite her insecurities (Clearly I was trying to write my wishes down on paper).
I wrote it, proofread it, had my mom read it as well as a teacher. I then looked at one of my Super Specials to get the address of the company and told my mom that I wanted to send my story to Anne. I had dreams of girls all over the world reading my book and being amazed at my work. I was going to be rich and famous!! My mom never told me it was a silly idea or that I was trying to waist her money by sending this in the mail. Nor did she ever give me the bitter truth: a lot of black women have trouble being taken seriously in our society, especially as authors. Instead, she kissed my forehead, took the packet I had so nicely arranged in an envelope and promised to take it to the post office first thing in the morning...she would insure it too!!
I checked the mail everyday for a letter from the company or Anne but it didn't come. Eventually, a month or so later, I received a letter encouraging me to keep writing and that the company wished me great success in the future. So basically no check and no publishing. I remember being so upset...I cried. Why didn't they like my writing? Everyone else did! At the time I didn't realize the significance of the whole thing but later on I saw how much my mom loved me and supported me in everything I did. She could have pretended to send it but she didn't. Memories like these remind me how blessed I am. When I feel like life is giving me 2 tons of shit instead of goodness, I remember how good things have always been and always will be...God's got my back (he's got all of yours too, trust me on this one!) I remember my pastor warned us against thinking that as a believer only good things will happen...there will be sparks in your life, as he put it. You just need to decide if those sparks will come into contact with a pool of gasoline (causing an explosion and destruction) or a pool of water (which couldn't let the spark get any bigger and put it out). As I grow in my faith and as life throws sparks my way I try to replace that gasoline (or in my case gasoline and kerosene..LOL) with water. I try not to sweat the petty things and remember there is a bigger purpose behind everything.

I don't know if my little message has hit any of you at a time when you are feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. But trust me...it gets better. Look back at your life at all of the times when you thought you wouldn't make it through but you did...you made it through this entry...see, you are on your way! :) I know I go through it too and I bitch and moan, especially about triflin men (don't worry...you all are still triflin despite my growing positivity...he he) but it doesn't upset me as much. I gotta shake, shake...shake, shake, shake it off these days. Anyhow, everyone enjoy your weekend and be safe and stay blessed!

HE is AWESOME!!

Well, folks...if you didn't know now you know...God is awesome! So, for the past week I have been stressing because my money is non existent. I think I have tapped every resource and I am still waiting for some money that is owed to me to come in. My dad is sick of giving me money and thinks he hasn't been strict enough on this "independence" thing. So, I wasn't sure how I was going to pay this month's credit card bill but I got a check from the state of Maryland. It definitely isn't a lot but it's enough to pay a bit more than the minimum I need to on my credit card bill. I am so thankful and I don't give Him enough credit at all. How He puts up with me...I don't know but He still finds it in His heart to bless me all of the time. Even if the human world doesn't have my back I know God does. Yay for blessings...even the little ones!! :)